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Cycling jokes

Discussion in 'Ngobrol Bebas' started by Ardi, Feb 16, 2013.

  1. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    Temen2, apabila nemu jokes2 di internet ttg sepeda, yuk kita sharing2

    Mulai duluan ya

    A cyclist shows up for a group ride on a new carbon speed machine.
    "Hey, where did you get the new ride?", asks one of the group.
    "Well," he says, "I was out on a ride when this really hot chick rode up alongside. We got to talking and one thing led to another and we stopped at a park. She suddenly stripped off and said, 'take what you want', so I took the bike."
    "Good thing too," said the friend, "the clothes woudn't have fit."
    andytio and mt like this.
  2. dxtr

    dxtr Peternak Sepeda

    :)), itu cewek sebel banget kali yaaa ? kata ceweknya "what the hell ? he choosing my bike, not myself, sh$t !!!"

    btw ini mungkin bukan joke, tapi true story yang lucu buat saya

    pernah baca di suatu forum, ada dua member (seller dan buyer), ceritanya mereka berdua tranksaksi hubset (dt swiss kalo ga salah inget), tawar menawar, deal, hubset terkirim

    sampe ditempat buyer dipasanglah itu hubset, dan owhh, ternyata buyernya ngamuk karena freehubnya ga ada bunyi jangkriknya !!!!:confused:

    menurut buyer, hubset yang bagus itu adalah yang keras bunyi jangkriknya:))
    jadilah seller dicomplain habis sama buyernya, dicaci maki abis, dibilang nipu, jual barang rusak dan si buyer minta duitnya dibalikin (tranksaksi online):))
    andytio and mt like this.
  3. reggie

    reggie Active Member

    Ninggalin jejak dlu
    Ntr sore tk post :D
    bkn cerita sih tp gmbr gtu (karikatur)

    Sent from my ST25i using Tapatalk 2
  4. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    @om dxtr: wah gitu kalo masarin hubset yang bunyi jangkrik pake bahasa inggris gmn ngomongnya tuh....

    @om reggie: ditunggu karikaturnya om
  5. reggie

    reggie Active Member

    baru smpat upload
    cuma sisa 2, yg laennya lupa taroh di folder ap :oops:

  6. reggie

    reggie Active Member

    bbrapa gambar lain
    ini hansip ngapain :headbutt: sirkus?




    andytio likes this.
  7. reggie

    reggie Active Member

    ini agak bwk... tp kocak menurut saya :))






    dikiranya udh hemat malah tekor :))


    kasian bener yg gowes d belakang bapak ini :giggle:


    tmen2nya cma ngeliatin dr jauh :giggle:



    :headbutt: another circus member
    Pradip likes this.
  8. reggie

    reggie Active Member

    kejam ini mobil :suicide:










    kacang merah semua :giggle:

    menambah motivasi :D


    ini jgnkan yg mau nyuri, yg punya juga kesusahan :(
    darmamade, andytio and Ardi like this.
  9. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    This originally comes from a column in Bicycling mag entitled
    "Parlez-Vous Bike? - What Cyclists Say and What They Mean." by Scott Martin

    This trail is a blast
    (I hope you have good medical insurance)

    I think I might have a flat tire
    (Slow down, will ya?)

    I definitely have a flat tire
    (Help me change it)

    I don't have a low enough gear
    (I've gained 5 pounds)

    I've decided to buy a lighter bike
    (I've gained 10 pounds)

    I'm taking up clog dancing
    (I've gained 25 pounds)

    I'm carbo loading
    (Pass the ice cream)

    I'm tapering
    (I haven't ridden in 2 months)

    The rebound was off, so I modified the damping. But then the elastomers were too dense, so I changed the oil and got rid of the stiction
    (I have a new suspension fork and you don't!)

    If you're a good bike handler, you don't need to wear a helmet
    (I'm so stupid a brain injury wouldn't affect me)

    Nobody needs a dual-suspension mountain bike
    (I can't afford a dual-suspension mountain bike)

    Dual suspension is the only way to go
    (I just dropped 3 months' salary on a dual-suspension mountain bike)

    She's a hammer
    (She's faster than me)

    He's a geek
    (I'm faster than him)

    I bonked
    (All I took for a 4-hour ride was a half-empty bottle of month-old OJ and a moldy Twinkie)

    If you don't crash, you're not going fast enough, dude!
    (I crash a lot)

    I don't own a car
    (I'm a better person than you)

    Why doesn't somebody do something about all these potholes ?
    (Why doesn't somebody else do something about all
    these potholes?)

    I do all my own bike maintenance
    (When I squeeze the front brake lever, the bike shifts gears)

    Thanks for waiting
    (Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face)

    Hey, did you guys hear about those new 1.8 gram carbon-fiber quick-release skewers with titanium springs?
    (I am a
    very lonely person)

    This section of trail looks doable
    (You first, sucker)

    I want to ride my bike to work, but...
    (I don't want to ride my bike to work)

    He's such a wheelsucker.
    (I can't drop him)

    She's always half-wheeling me.
    (I can't keep up with her)

    The town-line sprint is 100 yards beyond the next bend
    (The town-line sprint is 200 yards beyond the next bend)

    Been riding much?
    (How fit are you ?)

    Not much. You?
    (My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14)

    Nah, I've been really busy.
    (My body fat is 2%)

    Well, let's take it easy today.
    (Ready, set go!)

    Hold on, there's something wrong with my bike.
    (Let's stop so I can rest)

    My tires suck!
    (This climb is killing me!)

    Can you clear that drop-off?
    (I can, but I bet you can't)

    It's getting dark.
    (I wanna go home)

    This bike is a piece of shit!
    (I can't ride worth shit)

    I think I broke my arm.
    (There's a little bruise on my arm and I don't want to ride anymore)

    I'd jump that but I don't want to tweak my new rims.
    (I'm too chicken to try)

    This hill is easy.
    (This trail's pretty tough but I'm gonna try and lose you on it)

    That trail is boring.
    (I know I can't make it)

    Last one down is buying.
    (I'll make you feel like a loser and get a free beer too!)

    My bike was acting funny.
    (Otherwise I would have whooped your butt!)

    He's pretty good.
    (I know I'm better than him)

    He sucks!
    (He's better than me)

    That thing's a piece of shit.
    (I wish I had one...)
  10. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    A tired cyclist stuck his thumb out for a lift: After 3 hours, hadn't got anyone to stop. Finally, a guy in a sports car pulled over and offered him a ride. But the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The driver got some rope out of the trunk and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the rider: "If I go too fast, ring your bell and I'll slow down."

    Everything went well until another sports car blew past them. The driver forgot all about the cyclist and put his foot down. A short distance down the road, they hammered through a speed trap.

    The cop with the radar gun and radioed ahead that he had 2 sports cars heading his way at over 150 mph. He then relayed, "and you're not going to believe this, but there's a cyclist behind them ringing his bell to pass!".
    RIzaldi, tato, andytio and 2 others like this.
  11. dxtr

    dxtr Peternak Sepeda

    :)) ban sepedanya pecah ga yaa ?
  12. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    Why bikes are better than women

    1. You can fit a steering damper if your bike is a bit of a slapper.
    2. You get a manual with your bike to understand how it works.
    3. You do not have to change your rubber for every ride.
    4. Your bike will not think you are a pervert if you want to chain it up at night.
    5. You can trade in your old model for a new one as often as you like without paying huge legal bills.
    6. Stripping your bike is legal in public.
    7. It likes going to race meetings.
    8. Your bike will not mind if you ride another model.
    9. You can ride twins without upsetting anyone.
    10. If your bike blows a fuse it will not spend the entire weekend going on about what caused it.
    11. You do not have to be a film star to get a top model.
    12. If you do not like the look of your bike you can buy cosmetic improvements much more cheaply than you can plastic surgery.
    13. You can leave your bike outside the pub for as long as you like and it will not complain.
    14. You only have to flick one switch to turn on your bike.
    15. When your bike gets old it becomes a classic - and even more desirable.
    16. Bikes do not fake headaches when you are ready for some action.
    17. If you fancy your best mates model you can buy one just like it.
    18. Your bike looks as good first thing in the morning as it does the night before.
    19. Your bike gets ready quicker.
    20. Your friends are more likely to be impressed if it is your bike which scratches all day.
    21. If you are feeling lazy, it is OK to pay another man to service your bike.
    22. Your bike can be really dirty - but you can still take it home to meet your parents.
    23. You can let your mates ride your bike so they can see how good it is.
    24. You do not have to reach to the top shelf to find the pictures of bikes you really want to see.
    25. Both you and your mate can ride your bike at the same time, and nobody will bat an eyelid.
    26. Bikes do not need a new paint job every morning.
    27. You can buy a silencer for your bike.
    28. You get street cred if you ride a fat old hog.
    29. You can get down on one knee on your bike without having to make a lifetime commitment.
    30. It is an advantage if your bike has a spare tyre.
    31. It is easy to firm up a saggy front or rear end on a bike.
    32. If your bikes rear end gets out of shape your mates are likely to be impressed.
    33. Bikes are always happy to be loaded up with all your luggage.
    34. You can get a warranty with your bike so if anything goes wrong in the first two years you can get it sorted.
    35. Bikes do not mind you staring at other bikes.
    36. Your mates will be impressed if your bike's a bit of a beast.
    37. It is OK to fantasise about being on a different bike when you are out for a blast.
    38. Bikes usually come with a book telling you their service history.
    39. Your bike will never complain about the way it is ridden.
    40. A bike might shake its head but it never gets a headache.
    41. A Bike never argues about going out in any kind of weather.
    akuamir and andytio like this.
  13. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    Biar adil.....

    Why bikes are better than men

    1. Bikes do not moan when they have to wear a protective cover.
    2. You can get your leg over a bike and it is turned on instantly.
    3. A bike's lubrication does not go all over the place.
    4. If you dump your bike it does not keep phoning.
    5. A naked bike looks fantastic.
    6. Bikes do not whinge when you tug their throttles a bit too hard.
    7. Bikes do not expect a cooked breakfast in the morning.
    8. Bikes do not fart, burp, or snore.
    9. A bike always satisfies.
    10. Bikes do not mind going shopping and they will happily wait while you try on one more frock.
    11. Your bike can go all night without stopping.
    12. Your bike does not expect you to cook and wash for it.
    13. If your bikes rubber splits you do not have to take a 'morning after' pill.
    14. You always know exactly when your bike is.
    15. You can tighten your bikes nuts whenever you feel it is necessary.
    16. Bikes do not ask to be ridden when you are not in the mood.
    17. You can ride your bike without the risk of getting pregnant.
    18. You can change your riding style without arousing suspicion.
    19. Your bike does not wander off when you leave it somewhere.
    20. A bike gets there at the same time as you.
    21. Bikes do not need you to go to the Police station when they are locked up for the night.
    22. Your bike does not want one more pint when you want to go home
    23. It is cheaper to get your bike tanked up than your man.
    24. Your bike does not go limp when it is not in use.
    25. You only have to ride your bike when you feel like it.
    26. You do not get called a tart if you want to give your bike a good rub down in public.
    27. You can buy trick bits to make your bike go faster.
    28. You can get small bikes with excellent power and performance.
    29. You can get the front end of your bike up with one twist of your wrist.
    30. You can wear knee sliders when riding your bike to protect against carpet burns.
    31. A bike does not shrink when it gets cold.
    32. Your bike's guaranteed to have a big end.
    33. Unlike men, mini motorbikes do not think that they are R1's.
    34. You can ride as many bikes as you can handle and not be called a slapper.
    35. You can ride a bike at any time of the month.
    36. When you ride your bike you do not need to fake how much fun you are having or tell it how good it was afterwards.
    37. Bikes only leave skid marks on the road.
    38. If your bike has a noisy bottom end, you can do something about it without having to get rid of the bike.
    39. You can still ride your bike when it is completely tanked up.
    40. Your bike does not complain about your riding, or the way you park it.
    41. Bikes do not complain when you choose to play with a computer instead of taking them for a ride.
    andytio likes this.
  14. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    Top Ten Reasons To Race Bicycles

    10. Haven't thrown up in a while
    9. Read somewhere that sweat is an aphrodisiac
    8, Got no life, so why not?
    7. Waiting for someone to crash and see some blood
    6. Like being humiliated on a regular basis
    5. Lactic acid makes me loopy
    4. Shaved legs make cross-dressing easier
    3. Good excuse to drink beer at Deluxe
    2. Cheap way to fuel PowerBar addiction
    1. Pain-just can't get enough of it

    Top Ten Reasons To Stop Racing Bicycles

    10. Throwing up all the time ruins my shoes
    9. Discovered that sweat is a turn-off, switched to Spanish Fly
    8. Still got no life, but started playing pinball in local7-Eleven instead
    7. Someone crashed. I saw blood. It was mine.
    6. Decided dating was humiliation enough
    5. Found out that it's lysergic acid that makes me loopy
    4. Saw that leg shaving and cross-dressing were getting out of hand when
    inducted into Ladies' Aid Society
    3. Wanted to drink beer at Deluxe and smoke cigarettes, too!
    2. Can now replace expensive PowerBars with Twinkies
    1. Pain-had enough of it
    andytio likes this.
  15. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    Take this Quick Quiz to determine if you're a true Down & Dirty Gear Head or just another Glistening PrettyBoy Poser!
    [Five questions, multiple choice.]

    #1) Judy Butter is...

    A. suspension fork lube.
    B. high country-specific tanning cream.
    C. yet another line of pre-digested energy gels!

    #2) If you just got "big air," you just...

    A. spanked a bombin cross-up off a vert launch.
    B. crossed paths with a Scotsman who remarked on your doo.
    C. had an impromptu butt explosion thanks to your mid-day drive-thru feast!

    #3 If you just "suffered a mechanical," you just...

    A. broke your bicycle.
    B. broke your mechanic's bicycle.
    C. broke down an cried when you saw your mechanic's bill!

    #4) "Ti" is...

    A. a strong, light and expensive mountain bike material.
    B. a strong, light and expensive herbal hallucinogenic.
    C. soon to be the most popular illegitimate baby name amongst NORBA members!

    #5) "V-Brakes" are...

    A. the newest high-leverage brakes available for your rig.
    B. an upgrade that seems quite affordable when you start, but ends up costing five times more.
    C. when your "Y-Bike" breaks in two, leaving you with a "V-Bike!"

    Quiz Answers:

    If you answered "A" to all of the above, congratulations Gear Head! You must be doing something right with your life.
    If you answered "B" to any of the above, well at least you're showing some brain activity.
    If you answered "C" to any of the above, we're sorry. Go play with your rubber ball now.
  16. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    Dear Abby,

    I’ve never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife is cheating on me. I see the usual signals; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot lately, although when I ask for their names she says, “just some friends from work, you don’t know them.” I try to stay awake to see when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. I think deep down, I just didn’t want to know the truth.
    Last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my road and mountain bikes so I could get a good view of the street when she arrived home from her night out with ‘the girls’. When she got out of the car, she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open. She took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that very moment, crouching behind my bike, I noticed a slight crack in the downtube, two inches behind the headset. Is this something I can fix myself, or should I take it back to the bike shop?

    – Concerned Cyclist
  17. mt

    mt Pensiun Dulu


    That;s a good one!
  18. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    Ini murni joke ya... Jangan terlalu ditanggepin serius

    Cyclist's Apocrypha

    In the beginning God created the bicycle, saw that it was good, then went for a nice Sunday ride on the bike lanes He'd made the day before, and they were good, too, because they were new and He had the angels keep them clear of debris. Later, of course, God would get cross and have the flood wash all the good ones away.

    And God said to Himself, Let us create man, because cycling is too much fun to keep to Myself, and so He created man, him did He create, create did He him do. And God put man in paradise, and commanded him, Glideth upon the earth anywhere thou wisheth, except for that big hill over there. For on the day thou goeth down that hill, thou shalt surely die.

    And God said, Man needs a companion to keep him from spending too much money on new bicycles. So God caused man to fall into a deep sleep by asking him if he wanted to go clothes shopping at the mall, then took a rib from him. Then God said to Himself, Who am I kidding, I'll never hear the end of it when she finds out she was just a rib, so He created woman from frankincense and myrrh and a certain je ne sais quoi.

    And God said, Let man have dominion over lathe drills and Philips head screwdrivers, and let woman have dominion over everything else, and as long as thou art naked and unashamed, thou might as well be fruitful and multiply.

    Lastly, God created the chicken and the egg, in that order, which should clear up that matter.

    Now the serpent, he was a wily one, and he said to woman, Yea, hath God said you may cycle anywhere but down that hill? And the woman said unto the serpent, That's about the size of it: go downhill and die. And the serpent said, Ye shall not surely die, you probably won't even fall off. For God doth know that on the day you go downhill, you will not need to pedal for a long time. Go on, give it a try.

    And the woman saw that the hill was good, she did not need to pedal for a long time. She told the man about it, and he also went downhill. Their eyes were opened, they saw they were naked, and they sewed fig leaves into padded cycling shorts because sometimes it got bumpy going downhill.

    And they heard the voice of God as He was offroad, fully suspended of course, and they hid their bicycles at the bottom of the hill and started whistling nervously. And God called unto the man, and said, Where art thou? And the man said, We art down here. And God said, Hast thou cycled downhill, whereoff I commanded thee that thou shouldest not? And man said, It was her idea.

    And God said unto the woman, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow whilst climbing hills; in pain shalt thou perch upon thy saddle.

    And God said unto the man, Because thou hast harkened unto the voice of thy wife, cursed is regular bike maintenance. The inner workings of the hub gear will be beyond thou to repair. In the sweat of thy face shalt thou service thy freewheel.

    And God said, Behold, the man doesn't listen very well, so he kicked him out of paradise and guarded the entrance with a sign of a picture of a bicycle in the middle of a red circle. And He had a Cherubim with a flaming sword stop by a few times a week for good measure.

    This is the book of the generations. The first bicycle was a single speed, Godspeed, but after that it got complicated. Sprockets begat sprockets and cables begat kinks. Celerifere begat Draisienne begat Macmillan begat Michaux begat Ariel begat Bayliss Thomas begat Lawson begat Rover begat Boneshaker begat Ordinary begat Raleigh.

    And it came to pass, when men began to multiply on the face of the earth in a critical mass, God saw that the wickedness of man was great and he did not like to give way to anyone on the road even his mother, so He directed Noah to build an ark made out of renewable resources. There went in two and two unto Noah into the ark every type of bicycle: one to ride and one for spare parts. And Noah gathered two touring bikes and two mountain bikes; two recumbents and two tandems; two road racing bikes and two cross bikes; also four unicycles, just in case there was a misunderstanding, and a brace of Bromptons, as their folded countenance pleasethed Him. And God said there might be Some strong winds in the Southeast. And it rained for 40 days and 40 nights, then drizzled for another fortnight.

    And God remembered Noah and asswaged the waters, and Noah opened a door on the ark and set loose Japheth on a unicycle, and God said This is a covenant which I make between me and you and every living creature: that a man on a unicycle is a hilarious sight. The waters shall no more become a flood to destroy all flesh.

    A bit later, God spake unto Moses, saying, Here are a few ground rules, I hath numbered them for thou for easy reference:

    I. Thou shalt hold no other races above the Tour de France.
    II. Thou shalt not make unto thee helmets which cost more than £100.
    III. Thou shalt not take My name in vain everytime thou gettest a flat tyre.
    IV. Remember to oil thy chain, to keep it rolling.
    V. Honour the Zebra Crossing and those walking upon the face of it.
    VI. Thou shalt not ignore other road users, nor cycle recklessly upon the pavement.
    VII. Thou shalt not steal bicycles.
    VIII. Thou shalt not kill, except bicycle thieves.
    IX. Thou shalt not hang onto moving cars.
    X. Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's new Cannondale, nor his groupset, nor his £3000 mtb, nor even his stylish shades.

    Forget not the Titanium Rule: Signal unto others as thou wouldst have others signal unto thou.

    And moving right along, there came four horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they were the Taxicab Driver, and the Motorcycle Messenger, and the White Van Man, and the Man Opening a Car Door Without Looking.

    andytio likes this.
  19. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    Top Ten Justifications for Buying That $4,000.00 Bike

    10) I don't mind living on Macaroni and Cheese for the next two years.
    9) That Pell grant for college doesn't have to be repaid.
    8) It came with free valve stem dust caps.
    7) This one was half the price of my last bike!
    6) It was the only one that matched the color of my helmet.
    5) It was marked down from $4,029.00.
    4) I wanted people to know that I'm single.
    3) The salesman assured me I could ride twice as fast as people on $2,000.00 bikes.
    2) If I throw it on my roof rack, it increases my car's blue book value to $4,500.00!

    And the Number One Justification for Buying That $4,000.00 Bike is...

    1) They were fresh out of $5,000.00 bikes!
    andytio likes this.
  20. Ardi

    Ardi Well-Known Member

    How to justify your next bike

    We cyclists are simple folk. We don't need much to keep us happy. Really, all we need are clear skies and a road or trail to make us happy.
    And a helmet, of course. And gloves. And shorts with a special antimicrobial chamois insert. And form-fitting shirts. And very stiff-soled shoes, preferably Italian-made. And specialty sports drinks, with an incomprehensible combination of carbohydrates, proteins, electrolytes, and a lemon-lime flavoring that for some reason makes one think of furniture polish.

    Oh, and we need bikes. More specifically, we need another bike. Always. And that means we need to pay for another bike.

    Now, it's not the paying per se that's difficult. We can always find a way to get the money we need for bike stuff — take a second job, sell a kidney, money laundering, whatever.

    What's difficult is justifying the expense of yet another bicycle, whether it be to our wives, our parents, or to our own nagging conscience.

    Sometimes we fail in our justification, and then where are we? We're in the Purgatory of No New Bikes, that's where we are. That's a bad place. A bad, bad place. We should never have to be in that place.

    And if you will follow these techniques, you will never be in that place again.

    It will save money on gas

    This may surprise you, but bikes can actually be used as transportation, and there are some people who — oddly enough — actually use their bikes to get around from place to place, instead of driving. Explain that with this new bike you will be saving serious transportation costs and doing your part for the environment.

    Caveat: Do not explain that the new bike you're considering costs approximately the same as three years' worth of fuel, and most especially do not explain that any of the bikes you already have would work as transportation, too. If brought up as a counterargument, explain — dismissively — that your other bikes aren't really for that kind of thing.

    It's less expensive than a humongous HDTV

    This will take a little bit of preparation, but is well worth it. For about three weeks, don't mention the new bike you want. At all. Instead, with increasing intensity and frequency, begin talking about how you're thinking about getting a giant high-def television. And a Blu-Ray DVD player. And a subscription to high-def cable/satellite (or both!). And a serious sound system to go with it. Be very, very open about how much this will cost — about three times as much as the bike you want.

    Argue convincingly (not too convincingly, though) and loudly about why you ought to get this massive entertainment system.

    About the time your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse/parent is at wit's end, capitulate. Right in the middle of an argument, act like a light's just come on in your head. "You know, you're right!" you say, catching them off-guard. "It's outrageously expensive and it would just rot my brain, especially when a new bike would cost me less than half as much!"

    They'll be so relieved — not to mention pleased at having clearly won an argument with you — they'll just let that remark go. Next day, you come home with the new bike, as the two of you agreed.

    Bonus: It's possible this technique will backfire on you and your significant other will really get into the idea of buying a home theatre system. That's the beauty of this technique: even if you lose, you win!

    You Will Easily Recoup the Cost of This Bike in Prize Money

    Did you know there's big money in bike racing? There is! Just ask Lance Armstrong; he's made a very comfortable living by racing his bicycle.

    Do you think Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France seven times riding a piece of crap like the one you ride? No, he most certainly did not.

    If you're going to start winning races and making millions of dollars like Lance, you're going to need a better bike.

    The prize money will follow naturally.

    This bike will hardly cost anything after the trade-in

    Thinking of trading in an old bike for the new one? Excellent. You'll want to get out your soft math skills for this technique.

    First, find out the suggested retail for the new bike you want. Reduce that figure by 25%, because nobody pays MSRP for anything these days. Then take another 10% off because you're friends with a guy at the shop. Take another 5% off because you're a sharp negotiator. Tell your significant other that's how much your new bike will cost.

    Next, estimate how much your current bike is actually worth. Add 10% to that, because I can tell you've taken really good care of your bike. Add 5% because I think you're just being too modest. Then add 15% to that figure because you want some negotiating room. Tell your significant other that's how much you'll be selling your old bike for.

    If you're any good at all with creative math, you should actually be able to make a case that you may well be pocketing some money when all is said and done.

    Note: When it turns out that the actual cost of the new bike is much higher — and the amount you sell the old bike for is lower — than you expect, I highly recommend shrugging and blaming taxes, shipping, and the fees the online site charged. "Man, everyone wants a slice," you can say, resignedly.

    This bike is the bike to end all bikes

    I fully admit that this approach is dangerous, but desperate times call for desperate measures, as I think all of us who have ever had a carbon fiber jones can attest.

    "I know I have a lot of bikes already," you should say (it's good to start with a true statement, because that fools people into thinking other things you say may also be true). "This one, though, is different. It fits me unlike any bike ever made. It will never break. It is both beautiful and functional. It weighs 2.3Kg, fully loaded."

    Continue with, "This is the ultimate expression of a bicycle. I shall never need another."

    Look her/him right in the eyes as you conclude, "Hey, it's not like I'm talking about buying a Ferrari here, but how often in my life will I have a chance to own something that is truly perfect?" (Note: Do not say this if you own a Ferrari.) Try to mist up a little as you say this. It adds impact.

    Warning: Do not use this technique more than twice per year.

    Credit: Elden Nelson blogs most weekdays as The Fat Cyclist

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